I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
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I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
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I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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