The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
