Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
