That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
