I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
