Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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