she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
