i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
