i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
