I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
