No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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