R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
