i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
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