omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
