I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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