that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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