I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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