I only kidnapped one of them. chill
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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