Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
