Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
