Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
