I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
