i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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