Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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