Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
