I feel great
I just peed on a car
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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