i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
