The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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