wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
