Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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