Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
