Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
