That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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