Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
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And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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