Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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