Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
