he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
