you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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