Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I CAN MOONWALK!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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