I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
