Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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