I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid