hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
