Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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