Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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