After last night, I could never be a politician.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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