I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
