I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
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It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
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It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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