You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize