I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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