I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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