i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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