woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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