I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
