Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
